Things that are MY Infertilty Journey

Friday, April 29

I wanted to focus on the feelings that I felt during and even the feelings I've been feeling now through our infertility journey. We've definitely done a lot of things that I didn't expect to ever do.

I already have a timeline posted on the blog and lots of readers view it. I sometimes forget to update it, but that's not the point. Please feel free to view our timeline. You can refer back to any time based on how I was feeling.

So Chase and I had been married for 2 years and we both felt that we didn't want to try to get pregnant until we had insurance. We were both poor during those first couple of years and honestly couldn't afford insurance. We did have some health coverage through our University we were attending. Then in November of 2009 I went off birth control. We were still living in Chase's parents basement apartment. We both felt like we needed to get out of there if we wanted to start trying to have kids. For both of us living in the 'rents basement with a new baby didn't seem that fun for us, so we moved. It was our first adventure on our own without having family close by. I don't remember the first year of us trying to get pregnant. We did start getting asked questions at church and from friends like "when are you gonna have kids." In a Latter-Day Saint (Mormon) culture, it's common for couples to wait a few years to start trying because they tend to get married super young, and there's a stigma for our religion to have lots of children. I do remember a friend tell me that we should hurry up and get pregnant so our kids can be close in age and potentially be friends. She now has two boys that are aged 7 and 5.

I'm a very sassy person and speak my mind often - I'm pretty sure this behavior runs in my family. At first when people unknowingly asked the very intrusive question "so, when are ya gonna have kids?" I would just brush it off and say "oh well we're working on it" - because we had just started trying. After trying for about 2-3 years we shared with our parents that we had been trying to have a baby and had been unsuccessful. That is what really got me vocal and felt like I could start speaking out about our infertility. So from that point on when those that would ask that question I would say "oh, we've actually been trying for X amount of years" or I remember saying to someone "we actually suffer from infertility." Sometimes I was bitter with how I said it, and other times it was strictly just to inform them of the disease. It depended on how they asked the question. If they at all seemed sassy, then I would respond back bitterly or sassy back, and sometimes I was just annoyed with the question.

I wrote a little about how I was feeling during that time on my personal blog:

Pregnant or Not, Life will move forward

"I have been debating on whether to write this on our blog or not. I have felt like no one can relate to me or even wants to listen to how I feel, like my feelings don't mean anything and that only theirs is whats important. Which actually happened to me a few weeks ago regarding this topic (story for a different time, maybe never actually). I know I should be thinking there are people besides my counselor (and Chase) that want to listen to me. This might get a little personal, for me at least. Please understand that I'm not trying to complain, but I honestly think people other than my family need to know...

Chase and I got insurance last November (2009). As soon as I could I set up an appointment with a midwife...I did. I wanted to talk about what my options were, because I was worried about the medicine I was on and the effect it would have on if I got pregnant. She assured me that as soon as I found out I was pregnant I should taper off of the medicine and that if I needed to be back on it I could probably get back on it in the 2nd or 3rd trimester. I thought sweet, Chase and I could start trying to have a baby. We thought it would be cool to do the "if it happens it happens", and thought we'd get pregnant really fast. A few months later (6 months to be exact), we still weren't pregnant and some serious stuff happened to Chase and I, and my doctor told me that it would be best if we didn't have children right now, and to use other methods of protection. I think I cried for a few days after that, and even when I think about it I get teary. Mainly because my doctor told me no, and felt like the whole world was telling me no. Since then, Chase and I are a lot better, and have actually been "trying" for the past couple months. No, I'm not pregnant, and don't think we will get pregnant any time soon. I'm not trying to be negative or think negatively, but it's always the feeling that I've gotten ever since we've gotten married. I'll be honest, it's completely heartbreaking to even think about, and it brings tears to my eyes every time I think about not being able to have children, and be like a lot of my friends. I haven't been told that I'm infertile, and maybe it will eventually happen. I have tried so hard to be strong and withstand people asking (even if they are joking- there's still some truth to it still) when we'll be starting a family. Chase and I want to start a family, and would love to be able to be pregnant, but it hasn't happened yet."
It wasn't okay for me to put my life on hold for infertility. I still needed to live my life with Chase. I still needed to be a wife and a fur-mommy. There's only so much we can do before it's left in God's hands.

I've mentioned this before, but there was one point in my journey that I was so bitter and angry towards God, and everyone else that had a baby and I didn't. Why did he make me suffer like this? Why did he command us to multiply and replenish the earth, when He can see we're trying hard to fulfill that commandment but can't? Why does it seem like every time I get on social media all I see are pregnancy announcements and pictures of newborns and kids? I had a turning point a few years ago, what I like to call a "come to Jesus" moment with God and I realized that life doesn't have to be bitter. I don't always have to have this anger and bitterness towards God and those pregnant ladies inside of me. I can be happy and under
stand now that God can take the pain I'm feeling away, and be able to accept it. I'm not saying you will be like that in your journey, but it's good to try hard and understand how God through Christ's atonement can help.

I've had so many different feelings these past 7 years -
Confusion: What are we doing wrong, What do we need to do, Am I gonna be a mom, Do I really want to be a mom
Blame: Chase isn't the only one at fault, Why does this keep happening to us
Depression: Comparing myself to friends who are fertile, I'm not good enough to be a mom
Anger/Bitterness/Frustration: Upset that close friends get what they prayed for but we can't, Does God think I can't handle being a mom, Bitter towards God, Bitter towards pregnant women, Getting invited to baby showers
Joy: Being happy to be an "aunt/uncle" to our friends kids, Smiling babies at church, Having a friends son yell "Chase, Chase, Chase, Chase" while spinning in circles (yes that made Chase's day)

It's intriguing to me that all those feelings (excluding Joy) are negative. Where do negative and degrading thoughts come from? My answer: Satan. They don't ever come from God. The feelings from God are more peace, joy and strength. Those feelings from God are what we should be experiencing when going through this, but living in a fallen world, we unfortunately experience from both sides.

I'm still trying to process all the feelings and experiences I have been through over the past few years. Since we aren't out of the woods yet (thank you Taylor Swift) I'm still reliving past experiences and the monthly reminder that we still aren't pregnant. I still have scars from close friends telling me that I'm not grateful enough, and that I should be happy with what I have and not long for a child of my own. I think writing all of the feelings that I have felt during the past 7 years helps process the hard things we go through in life. I have most recently started writing my feelings down in my journal because I noticed I was harboring feelings which was causing me to be down and depressed. I also write my feelings down here on the blog. I blog about my training runs (or lack there of lately) as well as talk about my experiences with infertility, and hope that what I say will help inspire someone in their training or through tough times of infertility.

What are feelings that you have had during your infertility journey?
Other places you can find me:
Instagram: @runningwithinfertility1
Pinterest: Running with Infertility
Twitter: @runwinfertility
Bloglovin': Running with Infertility
Facebook: Running with Infertility

Things that are National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW): April 24-30

Sunday, April 24

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week #niaw (April 24-30). Its the beginning of talking about infertility and spreading awareness. It's the beginning of sharing your story with friends and family. It's the beginning of having friends/family who haven't struggled as us questions to help them be more aware of what we're struggling with. We are more than just #1in8, we are those that want to become parents (or are parents due to miscarriage) let's be more than a statistic this week. Let's be the ones to spread awareness, hope, love and that we are strong and can do hard things.

Last year I posted a few good helpful tips for those who don't know what to say to those struggling with infertility.

As always you can view my post on "Things you SHOULD say to an infertile couple"

I feel like more and more people who don't suffer from infertility are starting to know more about infertility and are becoming aware. And that is absolutely great! BUT, at the same time those people who know about infertility, don't necessarily know how to say something to us in a more positive light. I definitely have heard my share of advice, and it's always "you should do this..." or "you should try that..." and that is always negative in my eyes.
I think Resolve has done so much for the infertility community over the years; with support groups all over the country and a website with constant updates (don't forget about other social media sites), pushing us to be more of an advocate over our own fertile health with advocacy day, and definitely spreads hope to all that we CAN have a family if we choose.

THIS WEEK I want to challenge you to share anything related to infertility on social media (any platform), blogs, texts, etc. It could even be adding in the #1in8 hashtag to a post about you, creating a whole blog post on #niaw or sharing a blog post or an article on infertility with friends and family.

Like I said before, let's make us more than a statistic, because we are. We are people battling a horrible disease, who have feelings and want to be supported in our efforts to become parents.
Other places you can find me:
Instagram: @runningwithinfertility1
Pinterest: Running with Infertility
Twitter: @runwinfertility
Bloglovin': Running with Infertility
Facebook: Running with Infertility

Things that are BEATInfertility

Thursday, April 14

I first saw BEATInfertility pop up after adding another infertile sister on Instagram. You know where Instagram gives you suggestions based on following that person? Once I started following I noticed that it was a podcast. I have loved listening to podcasts and audio books while at work, cause music can just get so monotonous and repetitive... Anyways, I was curious as to what the podcast would be about, and so far it has been excellent! I have learned a lot about the ins and outs of infertility, especially things that I should talk to my RE about, and it has created a passion in me to want to research every little thing and become my own advocate. Because we all need to be our own advocates when it comes to our health as well as fertility.

A few things about the website and podcast that I think you will enjoy:

There is a private FB group, as well as an app that she created. I haven't really gotten into the support group with the app a lot, but I was pretty active with the FB group. It seems to be pretty active after a few months of being up and running. But the one thing that I did notice is that this group is very positive and uplifting as opposed to a lot of the other semi-negative fertility support groups that I have been in.

Heather, who is the host of the podcast, makes it a point to talk to those who have had success stories, as well as those who are still struggling with treatments. She herself has just recently become a success story, which should give us all a little more hope. She has professionals on the podcasts answering questions, as well as helping you cope with your infertility struggles.

She talks to Dr. Allison Rodgers who is a reproductive Endocrinologist out in Chicago regularly. Who has also gone through infertility herself and shares her experience in her first episode she is on the show.

She talks to Dr. Maria Rothenburger who is a psychotherapist who talks with Heather about the emotions associated with infertility. She has a website and a clinic, in New Jersey.
You can also send in questions to Dr. Rodgers and she should be able to help, and if she can't then she will give you things to research yourself or ask your own RE about. I sent in a question about "running and fertility" and Dr. Rodgers answered my question in Bonus Episode 23: IVF 101 and a lot of the questions are pretty helpful.

There are other professionals that she has had on the podcast.


This podcast has really opened my eyes to see that I am not alone in my struggles with infertility. Each one of us has our own individual struggles and infertility problems and they are all different from one woman to the next. Different treatments work for different women. That's what I love about this podcast. Hearing other women and what worked for them and being able to be our own advocate to be able to talk to our RE's about trying different things. I hope you will enjoy listening to the podcast, because it has been so inspiring to me.

Disclaimer: I am not receiving any compensation for sharing BEATInfertility, I just really love this podcast and thought it needed to be shared.
Other places you can find me:
Instagram: @runningwithinfertility1
Pinterest: Running with Infertility
Twitter: @runwinfertility
Bloglovin': Running with Infertility
Facebook: Running with Infertility

Things That are Training for a 10k Week 1

Wednesday, April 13

I have crazy pacing goals, like I wanna run a 5k in 26 minutes, and I wanna run a 10k in under an hour, be under 2 hours for a half marathon and under 5 for a marathon. Those I think are all doable. But, they aren't goals unless I start working towards them, they are just considered wishful thinking.

I'm working on the 10k right now. I created a training plan for what I think will hopefully work for me. Maybe I need to get a running coach to step it up. I'm the person you know that always wants to reach my goals alone without help from others. Which sometimes can't be reached without the help from others. I think it's a pride thing.

This last week - last Tuesday (April 5) I wrote up a training plan for my race which is on Memorial Day, and I'm a few days late in posting this... oops.

This is what I had planned:

M -Yoga
T - Started training plan
W - Strength Train
Th - Speed work 6-1 mile repeats at 10k pace. My 10k pace is supposed to be 9:49 per mile. 
F - Easy Run
S - Long Run
This is what I actually did:

M - Yoga with my sister
T - Rest Day
W - Strength Train
Th - I ended up doing 4-1mile repeats, and my pace per mile was (9:33, 10:28, 12:27 and 10:46).

So I was using this app called "Pace Jam Free" and the way the app works is you type in how long you want to run, what pace you would like to have per mile and then you can choose what music effect you would like. It is supposed to help keep you on the pace, so I thought it would work perfectly for me trying to run a bit faster, and not really knowing how to keep the faster pace. Well it worked great for the first mile, and I'm not sure if it was because I had my phone in my spibelt instead of on my arm, because anytime I would try and run faster (looking at my phone seeing that I'm going really slow [mile 3]) it would slow my music down. 
F - It was supposed to be an easy run, but it was around 73 degrees when I got home from work, so I really didn't want to go run in the heat of the day, and I didn't want to go run on the treadmill at the gym. So I ended up not running. Yep I may regret it later, but I also felt it wasn't necessary for my quality runs I am looking for.
S - My "long run" consisted of 3 miles, but my goal was to stay between 10-10:15 per mile. Because of the medication I'm on (Depo-Lupron) it has been giving me painful cramps that come and go sporadically, which happened during my first mile a few times. So I ended up walking a few times and then running again. My average pace was 11:20 per mile, the first mile being 12:46, and then 10:15 and 10:35. 

Total Mileage for the week: 7.4
Other places you can find me:
Instagram: @runningwithinfertility1
Pinterest: Running with Infertility
Twitter: @runwinfertility
Bloglovin': Running with Infertility
Facebook: Running with Infertility

Things that are Depo-Lupron and a Few Updates

Thursday, April 7

I wanted to give an update on what's been going on with us since we decided we were going to pay cash for our 2nd IVF cycle coming up in July.

I got my first Depo-Lupron shot Friday April 1, to help reduce the endometriosis that is all up in my insides. Thankfully my insurance covers the Depo-Lupron shot. And.. I somehow got a co-pay coupon to use, and it will cover $120 of what my normal co-pay would be. They told me I just needed to pay $10, so that will be $30 total for the 3-Depo-Lupron shots. YAY!

There are of course a few side effects that come with the Depo-Lupron shot, and those definitely are ones that I don't really care for: 
**Depression - I have been in a weird funk ever since I miscarried, I guess Vitamin B12 deficiency runs in the family, and I'm getting that checked out in a few weeks. For the past week, I have been taking a B Complex twice a day to help me have more energy and feel better emotionally.
**Crying for no reason - I did that the other night and poor Chase had no idea what to do with me.
**Weird lady cramps - Which sometimes stop me dead in my tracks, and can be pretty painful. The clinic had mentioned that it would get worse before it gets better. Right now it happens throughout the day, I'm hoping that the cramping will subside.
**Memory loss/Forgetfulness - I have been overly forgetful the past week, and I was like that being on all the fertility drugs in January too. I seriously have to write everything down, and say things a few times just to remember.
**I'm sure there are a few others that I can't remember (see previous side effect) and thankfully I haven't had any hot flashes.

Chase and I have saved up $3,100 on our own the first month! {insert fist bump here} One thing to note: We didn't go out to eat for the entire month of March, and I only spent $130 on food for 3 adults (my little sister is living with us). I haven't bought any new clothes, and Chase and I have been driving for Uber (which has been a great supplemental income). I guess what I'm trying to get at is that we are doing our part at saving up money. This is not a joking matter for me, I'm not looking for handouts, I'm looking for help, and with that help, along with Chase and I working hard at saving on our own, we should be able to complete our goal. If Chase and I are able to save up all that we can on our own, without help from friends and family, we would only be able to save around $8,000. So whatever you are able to donate will be a huge contribution!

I started taking my supplements again. I heard/read somewhere that it could take 60-90 days for the supplements to actually start working on my ovaries. So I decided it was worth it to start them (and got it cleared from my RE) again in hope that it will help me to have better eggs. If you would like to read about what I take you can in this previous post.

We met with the IVF Financial Coordinator and she gave us a cost breakdown of what we roughly need to reach on our own.
Self Pay Cycle Fee - $7,900
ICSI - $1,700
Medications - $3-6,000
Anesthesia - $350 cash
                   =$12,950-$15,950 (that's with the range of the fertility meds)

Our fundraising event is moving forward and I'm getting really excited! We have really good things planned for it, and Chase and I keep praying that it will work out and be able to raise awareness as well as raise money to help us and hopefully another couple. I will definitely release news and more as things start rolling along.

Who wouldn't want to help these two goofballs?! ;)

Please visit the event page for the fundraiser on Facebook.

Other places you can find me:
Instagram: @runningwithinfertility1
Pinterest: Running with Infertility
Twitter: @runwinfertility
Bloglovin': Running with Infertility
Facebook: Running with Infertility