Things you SHOULD say to an infertile couple

Thursday, December 18

When I get into down moments it seems like everyone vanishes from my life. Like I have to deal with these moments all on my own. I honestly think that it's cause I'm supposed to get help from other sources (Christ). I sometimes feel that I should lean on Him during my weakest moments. Yet, I still forget to kneel down to pray for help during those times. This particular time has been really hard, and I really wanted to vent to a friend for help and to get my feelings off my chest. I vented to someone I thought who cared, and who would listen to me. Cause in that moment that's all that I wanted. Instead I received what she thought she was giving me; help and support. Now after the fact, I can see where she was coming from, and I understand that she was trying to "help" but at that moment that's not what I wanted.

I have read all over social media things you "shouldn't" say to an infertile couple, but I wanted to be more positive and tell about things that you SHOULD say to an infertile couple.

The very first thing you should say to them is:

"Do you need me to listen or give advice?"
The very thing I wanted my friend to do was listen to me. I know she has been listening to me vent for so very long, but that was my darkest moment (in what seemed to be a long time), I needed a listening ear, not advice. Later I had another friend say "Tedi, next time you need to vent, just tell me to listen". That was probably the best thing she ever said to me.

"Never give up, Never Surrender" 
I for some reason have this stuck in my head often. I finally figured out where the saying is from, Galaxy Quest the movie. Regardless of the saying, it just means to keep being hopeful, and don't give up. In our weakest moments all we want to do is give up. I promise by praying to God and asking him for strength He will help us, one way or another.

"You guys are going to be the best parents..."
I have actually had several friends and neighbors tell us that we are going to be the best parents. Yes, I definitely feel inadequate a lot of the time, but it still is a positive way of saying that it's still possible that God will bless you with a child one way or another.

"Do you want to go running?"
For me this is most often ALWAYS a YES! Or a HECK YES! I love running. Running helps clear my mind. I think about a lot of problems when I'm running. Asking a friend if they want to go exercise really will help. Those endorphins are a great mood booster, even if the problem is still there after exercising. Just think Endorphins = Happiness.

"What can I do to help?"
Does your friend need help getting to a fertility appointment. Or watching her kids while she goes to that fertility appointment. Bringing over dinner after a fertility treatment. Praying for them and asking what you can do to help will help them see that they have a true friend, and someone who cares about them.

"Privately tell them about your pregnancy"
I think the best way for you to tell them about your pregnancy is by either calling them on the phone or privately messaging them and letting them know you are pregnant before you pubically announce it on social media (cause you know you will post it because you're excited). One of my close friends, told me about a girl she knows from her hometown that is struggling with infertility. Even though we didn't know each other I messaged her and we started chatting. She specifically told me (and we had only been messaging back and forth for about a month) before she told anyone else that she was pregnant. Even though it is often hard to hear news of someone becoming pregnant, I felt that was the sweetest thing anyone could have done for me.
"Remember them on Mother's and Father's Day"
The next sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me is come up to me and say "Happy Mother's Day" on Sunday at church. I don't know why, but I felt like she knew I was struggling and that was her way of showing love and compassion towards me. I honestly will never forget that. Mother's and Father's Day I think is one of the hardest days every year (aside from the other holiday's) for someone struggling with infertility. You often feel alone and neglected, and that everyone else is getting praise for being a "Mom and a Dad" when that is all you ever want. What I wish my friends and family would do is send a note saying that they love and appreciate me and that they can't wait for us to be parents. Or that they are thinking about me and Chase and want to tell us that they love us.

And last but not least...

"Remember, Remember, NEVER EVER say hurtful things"    
"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." -Bambi


What are some things that you could say to your friends who are facing infertility?

What are some things friends have said that have helped you with hard days? 
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  1. Thank you for writing this!! This is very helpful!!

  2. I love this on so many levels! There are so many times people say "just stop trying", and I love that you suggested to say "don't give up". Mother's Day was the worst day of the year hands down for that very reason and how sweet that someone was able to take notice and make the day that much better for you. Thanks for sharing!