Selfless not Selfish

Tuesday, June 20


I've gotta be real with you today. I've been dealing with these feelings for several years and have wanted to lay them out on the blog in hopes to help someone else who may be struggling. I want you to know that this doesn't change how grateful I feel for this pregnancy. I just felt led to express my feelings about this topic. 

For the past several years I have had this lingering question in the back of my mind of, "Do I really want to be a mom?" The past 10 years of being married have been great. Though there were plenty of ups and downs, our marriage has continued to grow and we've become closer, even with our infertility trial. I feel so blessed when I know there are many whose marriage struggle or even fail with this trial or other trials.

When we found out we were pregnant that question made me second guess myself a lot. And I had all sorts of questions pop into my mind: Do I really want this? Is this really what we've been waiting so long to have? This is going to be a big change for us, am I ready for that change? Am I ready for my body to change? Am I ready to have sleepless nights? Is our marriage strong enough for a child? Do I wanna be a stay at home mom? Do I need to continue to work after baby comes? And not only was I feeling overloaded with questions I also had a lot of fears pop up too. The main fear being; I'm scared to be a parent and having to be responsible for a little being that God put me in charge of. 

I remember feeling that 9 months seemed like such a long time to wait and my body was going to change A LOT. I wasn't so sure I wanted my body to change, to gain weight, to get stretch marks or grow a large belly. The memory of those countless pregnant women complaining at how hard pregnancy is and I was worried I might be the same way.

Over the past 9 months the one thing that growing this baby has taught me is that motherhood is a completely selfless act. From fertility treatments to pregnancy to birth to becoming a mom, we are putting our bodies through so much. Then after we become a mom, we are 100% responsible for this little baby who will grow up. For me this puts a lot of pressure on me to not screw up our kids, and to make sure our kids don't end up with the sense of being entitled.

For some women this is what they've been longing for their entire lives, but for me I still have my concerns, doubts and worries.

I was on Instagram the other day and heard about Dale Partridge. I have never heard of him before, but I really enjoyed what he said about kids:



What he said really spoke to me, and I was able to get that extra reassurance that it will all work out. Even though it may be hard at times and I am sacrificing a lot, it will all be worth it. We need great future leaders, and my generation is going to be the one to raise them great.

As Dr. Meg Meeker says "Great kids are raised, not born." So I have that hope that I can raise our son to be great, even though parenting is a huge sacrifice.

• Was there a time where you felt you didn't want to be a parent?

• What has helped you want to become a mom or a dad?

If you are a parent what gives you encouragement and hope?


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4 comments:

  1. Thank you for posting this. We just decided yesterday to move forward with IVF and almost immediately I began to panic. I started to question what we are doing, do we really need kids, wouldn't we continue to be happy if it's just the two of us. I'm hoping these feelings are "normal." It was nice to read that you have the same worries and I am not the odd ball out. Thank you!

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    1. I'm glad my post could help! :) It's nice to hear I'm not the only one with the same worries. :)

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  2. I didn't realize it, but so much of this is true! Tusk you for sharing and being real!

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    1. I'm glad you think it's true too. I always worry when I hit the "publish" button that there will be lots of people who don't feel as I feel.

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