Why me? But not her?

Tuesday, May 30


I don't know if there are others who feel this way, but I feel the need to share this question that has been on my mind for months now. Ever since we found out I was pregnant I have felt guilty:

• Guilty because my heart aches for my infertility sisters still struggling and waiting
• Guilty because I was pregnant but not my infertility sisters who have been struggling for just as long or longer
• Guilty for trying to feel happy amidst all the darkness of everyone's infertility struggles

After 7 years I understand that achy feeling you get in your heart. The wanting so badly to be happy for others, but sad for yourself. That achy hole that no matter what you do to try and fill it, it never fills.

My heart aches every time I go somewhere where there are a lot of women. I know that someone in the room is going through infertility, and I am most likely a trigger for them. I want to just shout to everyone and tell them what it took for us to get to this point and that they aren't alone, and to never give up.

I do try and share ANY chance I get and let people know that after 7 years of trying, we got our miracle baby. I want people to understand how grateful Chase and I both are for this miracle. It's been a long hard road with its many ups and downs and we are forever grateful. 

I'm now 36 weeks pregnant and I still feel guilty at times. Not as much as I did when I first found out, but it can still linger. When we first found out, we chose to not share the news, and I felt like I was hiding this dirty secret. The first 20 weeks I felt like I was in limbo. The reason being, I felt I couldn't relate to my infertility sisters but I also couldn't relate to anyone pregnant.  I was struggling with feeling happy for myself but sad for everyone still battling infertility. I battled with those feelings for months.

Chase recently told me I have what is called "survivors guilt." I survived through the trenches of infertility, but feel guilty now for surviving and getting pregnant. After much thought, I'm pretty sure I know where those guilty feelings are coming from, Satan. Thankfully I know God well enough that He wouldn't put a feeling of guiltiness in my heart, but that of gratitude in my heart. I need to put more trust in God, and I need to express my feelings of gratitude more often.

So the million dollar question... Why me? But not her? While I am still struggling with those feelings of guilt. I have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. We all go through different trials for a reason. For now, I don't know the reason why, but I will keep praying and encouraging those still struggling and who feel they are alone.


Don't forget! I'm selling the "Keep Calm and Pineapple On" shirt on etsy! Check it out HERE

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Twitter: @runwinfertility
Bloglovin': Running with Infertility
Email: runningwithinfertilityATgmail.com
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2 comments:

  1. As someone who's been battling infertility for three years and reading your blog for about a year, I can honestly tell you that I've been ridiculously happy for you and actually, not one bit jealous. If nothing else, I feel more genuinely happy for you than I have for anyone in my "real life" because I know the struggle you went through. It's not like you're one of those folks who tried for a month and ended up pregnant. I'm sure there are those out there who feel differently, but the fact that you've suffered "fertility failures" just like me make it easy to be genuinely happy :).

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    1. Thank you Melanie! I have felt that same way with other infertility sisters who get pregnant after years of trying, not jealous, but extremely happy for them, knowing how hard the struggle is.

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