Things that are Moving Past a BFN

Tuesday, August 16


The two week wait was pretty long. I don't think I have ever wanted the time to move faster than those two weeks. Chase was also gone for almost a week of that, so that made the time go by even slower.

I tried staying positive and being mindful of what my body was going through. I had told a friend that I have felt like I had been in a fog (like a medicated one) and that I was trying hard not to think about the embabies or whats been going on with my body. Mainly, so I didn't think anything negative towards the cycle failing and putting myself into depression. She said to stay strong and that we all have trials that test us to our absolute limit. She also said to to have faith and trust in God, and He's preparing us for our ultimate reward.

Friday I was one of the first blood draws for the day. I waited and tried not to think about it, tried to keep my mind off of things (listen to podcasts, think about this upcoming weekend, think about how I would keep it a secret from everyone), and tried to work hard at work to distract myself. I had this feeling that they weren't going to call until I was home without others around. We didn't get the call until 6:30pm.

"Your test result was negative, I'm so sorry"

This was probably one of the hardest phone call to hear, and I'm sure it was hard for the nurse to give it, too. My beta was 0.25 essentially 0, that means I didn't even get pregnant.

As I write this I'm already bleeding and in a lot of pain. 3 months of not having a period, my body is definitely vengeful.  We have an upcoming meeting with our RE to discuss what happened.

We are both so done with getting negatives... after 7 years of actively trying, going through 6-IUI's and now 2-IVF's I would say we are tired of seeing countless negatives. It definitely makes it extremely hard when we paid $14,000 and got nothing for it. That's like paying for a gently used ($14,000) car and not getting to be able to use it or even own the car.

my mantra through life

So, what's next?

Well I told Chase that if things in this cycle don't work out, then I want our next goal to be for us to become debt free. It's been a tough year for us while doing 2-IVF cycles, and saving up in cash to pay for one of them, while trying to stay sane, and stay married. We decided that we need a break to strengthen our marriage and work at achieving our goal together.
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8 comments:

  1. Tedi,

    I'm so sorry. The big fat negatives year after year definitely take their toll. I think your approach to focusing on something new and becoming debt-free will be a welcome relief for you and your hubby.

    Your friend sounds very wise. Hopefully you will continue to surround yourself with strong, uplifting friends. I will pray for peace for you as you come off of this IVF cycle. I also hope you get some good running in. It's a mental life-saver.

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  2. Tears are falling from my face. I wish there was something to say but I know there isn't. You can do hard things. I have found as the days pass, the pain does get easier to bear. It gets a little easier to breathe, and my heart doesn't ache as much. You have been so public in your journey and I commend you for that, but I know that makes the heartache public as well. I hope you and Chase are able to heal and strengthen your marriage, goodness knows infertility can suck the life out of you. BIG GIANT HUGS.

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    1. It does make the heartache more because I share, and then re-share. It can be quite the emotional roller coaster, just by telling people. Thank you! :)

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  3. Oh Tedi! I was truly hoping this post was telling us you had a positive test. I know this must be so hard for you guys! Going through IVF is such a mental roller coaster. We needed our break afterwards and even though this is devastating news just remember God does have a plan for you guys! You have to have faith and he will guide you to what's next. You know how to contact me if you need anything!! Xoxo

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    1. Thank you! I know God has a plan. I just need to keep having faith and hope and keep moving forward.

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  4. I'm so heartbroken for you :( Remember that you CAN do hard things. And you will get through this. Keep your chin up and like you said, work on the other goals you have for the moment. Hope your heart heals soon.... Hugs!

    -G

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    1. Thanks! I know my heart will heal, but it will take time. For now I'm just trying to get through the week. Hope you are doing well!

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