Things that are MY Infertilty Journey

Friday, April 29


I wanted to focus on the feelings that I felt during and even the feelings I've been feeling now through our infertility journey. We've definitely done a lot of things that I didn't expect to ever do.

I already have a timeline posted on the blog and lots of readers view it. I sometimes forget to update it, but that's not the point. Please feel free to view our timeline. You can refer back to any time based on how I was feeling.

So Chase and I had been married for 2 years and we both felt that we didn't want to try to get pregnant until we had insurance. We were both poor during those first couple of years and honestly couldn't afford insurance. We did have some health coverage through our University we were attending. Then in November of 2009 I went off birth control. We were still living in Chase's parents basement apartment. We both felt like we needed to get out of there if we wanted to start trying to have kids. For both of us living in the 'rents basement with a new baby didn't seem that fun for us, so we moved. It was our first adventure on our own without having family close by. I don't remember the first year of us trying to get pregnant. We did start getting asked questions at church and from friends like "when are you gonna have kids." In a Latter-Day Saint (Mormon) culture, it's common for couples to wait a few years to start trying because they tend to get married super young, and there's a stigma for our religion to have lots of children. I do remember a friend tell me that we should hurry up and get pregnant so our kids can be close in age and potentially be friends. She now has two boys that are aged 7 and 5.

I'm a very sassy person and speak my mind often - I'm pretty sure this behavior runs in my family. At first when people unknowingly asked the very intrusive question "so, when are ya gonna have kids?" I would just brush it off and say "oh well we're working on it" - because we had just started trying. After trying for about 2-3 years we shared with our parents that we had been trying to have a baby and had been unsuccessful. That is what really got me vocal and felt like I could start speaking out about our infertility. So from that point on when those that would ask that question I would say "oh, we've actually been trying for X amount of years" or I remember saying to someone "we actually suffer from infertility." Sometimes I was bitter with how I said it, and other times it was strictly just to inform them of the disease. It depended on how they asked the question. If they at all seemed sassy, then I would respond back bitterly or sassy back, and sometimes I was just annoyed with the question.

I wrote a little about how I was feeling during that time on my personal blog:

Pregnant or Not, Life will move forward

"I have been debating on whether to write this on our blog or not. I have felt like no one can relate to me or even wants to listen to how I feel, like my feelings don't mean anything and that only theirs is whats important. Which actually happened to me a few weeks ago regarding this topic (story for a different time, maybe never actually). I know I should be thinking there are people besides my counselor (and Chase) that want to listen to me. This might get a little personal, for me at least. Please understand that I'm not trying to complain, but I honestly think people other than my family need to know...

Chase and I got insurance last November (2009). As soon as I could I set up an appointment with a midwife...I did. I wanted to talk about what my options were, because I was worried about the medicine I was on and the effect it would have on if I got pregnant. She assured me that as soon as I found out I was pregnant I should taper off of the medicine and that if I needed to be back on it I could probably get back on it in the 2nd or 3rd trimester. I thought sweet, Chase and I could start trying to have a baby. We thought it would be cool to do the "if it happens it happens", and thought we'd get pregnant really fast. A few months later (6 months to be exact), we still weren't pregnant and some serious stuff happened to Chase and I, and my doctor told me that it would be best if we didn't have children right now, and to use other methods of protection. I think I cried for a few days after that, and even when I think about it I get teary. Mainly because my doctor told me no, and felt like the whole world was telling me no. Since then, Chase and I are a lot better, and have actually been "trying" for the past couple months. No, I'm not pregnant, and don't think we will get pregnant any time soon. I'm not trying to be negative or think negatively, but it's always the feeling that I've gotten ever since we've gotten married. I'll be honest, it's completely heartbreaking to even think about, and it brings tears to my eyes every time I think about not being able to have children, and be like a lot of my friends. I haven't been told that I'm infertile, and maybe it will eventually happen. I have tried so hard to be strong and withstand people asking (even if they are joking- there's still some truth to it still) when we'll be starting a family. Chase and I want to start a family, and would love to be able to be pregnant, but it hasn't happened yet."
  
It wasn't okay for me to put my life on hold for infertility. I still needed to live my life with Chase. I still needed to be a wife and a fur-mommy. There's only so much we can do before it's left in God's hands.

I've mentioned this before, but there was one point in my journey that I was so bitter and angry towards God, and everyone else that had a baby and I didn't. Why did he make me suffer like this? Why did he command us to multiply and replenish the earth, when He can see we're trying hard to fulfill that commandment but can't? Why does it seem like every time I get on social media all I see are pregnancy announcements and pictures of newborns and kids? I had a turning point a few years ago, what I like to call a "come to Jesus" moment with God and I realized that life doesn't have to be bitter. I don't always have to have this anger and bitterness towards God and those pregnant ladies inside of me. I can be happy and under
stand now that God can take the pain I'm feeling away, and be able to accept it. I'm not saying you will be like that in your journey, but it's good to try hard and understand how God through Christ's atonement can help.

I've had so many different feelings these past 7 years -
Confusion: What are we doing wrong, What do we need to do, Am I gonna be a mom, Do I really want to be a mom
Blame: Chase isn't the only one at fault, Why does this keep happening to us
Depression: Comparing myself to friends who are fertile, I'm not good enough to be a mom
Anger/Bitterness/Frustration: Upset that close friends get what they prayed for but we can't, Does God think I can't handle being a mom, Bitter towards God, Bitter towards pregnant women, Getting invited to baby showers
Joy: Being happy to be an "aunt/uncle" to our friends kids, Smiling babies at church, Having a friends son yell "Chase, Chase, Chase, Chase" while spinning in circles (yes that made Chase's day)

It's intriguing to me that all those feelings (excluding Joy) are negative. Where do negative and degrading thoughts come from? My answer: Satan. They don't ever come from God. The feelings from God are more peace, joy and strength. Those feelings from God are what we should be experiencing when going through this, but living in a fallen world, we unfortunately experience from both sides.

I'm still trying to process all the feelings and experiences I have been through over the past few years. Since we aren't out of the woods yet (thank you Taylor Swift) I'm still reliving past experiences and the monthly reminder that we still aren't pregnant. I still have scars from close friends telling me that I'm not grateful enough, and that I should be happy with what I have and not long for a child of my own. I think writing all of the feelings that I have felt during the past 7 years helps process the hard things we go through in life. I have most recently started writing my feelings down in my journal because I noticed I was harboring feelings which was causing me to be down and depressed. I also write my feelings down here on the blog. I blog about my training runs (or lack there of lately) as well as talk about my experiences with infertility, and hope that what I say will help inspire someone in their training or through tough times of infertility.

What are feelings that you have had during your infertility journey?
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Instagram: @runningwithinfertility1
Pinterest: Running with Infertility
Twitter: @runwinfertility
Bloglovin': Running with Infertility
Email: runningwithinfertilityATgmail.com
Facebook: Running with Infertility

8 comments:

  1. Awesome post, you captured so many of my own feelings on this road! The lies we hear form Satan are some of the most well crafted and silvery words that ever touch my ears...but I've learned the trick and now I can combat those lies with my faith and trust in His works! Thank you for sharing!!

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    1. I'm glad that you learned his tricks and can over come with faith. :)

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  2. Hi Tedi! Coming over from Caroline's link up! I loved hearing about your journey...everyone's is so different, yet we all have the same feelings. You are not alone...and I'm so glad I read this. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers! Big hugs your way!
    xo, Lily
    Beauty With Lily

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    1. Thanks for joining! :) I don't think anyone is alone in this journey, and it's good to know so many women who are vocal and want to share their journey.

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  3. So many feelings. This is so true. The emotions can range all over the place, even in just one day.

    Thanks for joining the link up and being so willing to share. Excited to see what July brings :)

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    1. It's amazing what one simple day can bring when you're going through this journey. It may start out great, but end in being depressed and feeling sorry for yourself. I'm excited for July, but at the same time nervous to go through all the pain and joy.

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  4. I feel ya with the range of emotions. I'm trying to learn how to stabilize them and rest in the peace and hope of God at this time, but it sure can be tough. Praying for you!

    By the way, I found you through Carline's blog link up. Blessings to you!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! I've learned to meditate and am working on relaxing and trying to work through those emotions. It's helped a lot, and was highly encouraged by another infertile friend.

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