Things that are #Microblog Monday: Self Preservation

Monday, December 14

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Find out by reading the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

So a while back I asked what felt to be a sensitive question on a Facebook Infertility Group: "For the past few years (I'm not sure how many now), I don't have that burning desire to become a mom. Like it's nowhere to be found in my heart or in my body. Is this normal to have happen? For the desire to become a parent leaving? I'm not sure if it has just come as I've gotten older (I will be 30 in January), and I feel like all hope is lost (I'm very dramatic if you can't tell ;P) or maybe I'm just content with how our lives are now? I have tried doing google searches to see if other women feel the same way, but I can't find any content at all. I would love to know your thoughts."
 
I got amazing responses, and for their sake I am not saying who said what, because sometimes they want to be anonymous.

"I will say I think it's pretty normal to not have the desire....sometimes this journey beats it out of us and it's almost self preservation."

"...Whatever anyone feels is valid and normal. There are so many who do not feel content with the way their lives are (children or no children), so I commend you for this!"

"I think it is important to keep in mind that one of the things that makes infertility so difficult is that it is always a fresh wound.Infertility isn't like most loss divorce and death may be semi permanent and permanent states but for many each month that goes by is a reminder of a failed treatment. A scab may start to form when we start a new treatment or think THIS month will work but when the cycle end it rips wide open again. It would seem only natural that the strain on one emotionally and physically would eventual cause your brain to say I don't want this anymore." 

"Sometimes feeling like "not wanting it too much" is a form of self protection. It keeps us guarded and protects us from pain. However when you run towards your fears, instead of running away that's when you get to live your best life. When you feel disconnected from something (and bring awareness to it) that is the beginning of connection. When you go towards what you don't understand, this is when we grow."
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A few months ago, I was talking to some friends, and I had mentioned before that I wanted them to let me know when they started trying to have another child. I felt my question was valid and that my feelings were valid, and that's why I asked. One of my friends said "that's between me and my husband," yes it is between you and your husband, but I only was trying to protect my heart from being broken. Couldn't you see that, after 6+ years of us trying?

Just recently I felt like I had healed and moved on from that conversation and I was going to suggest to my friend (cause they had been trying since the beginning of the year) to go get an ovulation predictor kit, and maybe go see her gyno/ob to check her hormone levels. Well, it turns out I didn't need to suggest anything, because they ended up getting pregnant. So in a way, my heart was protected when I saw their pregnancy announcement on Facebook (without them sharing or calling/texting to us first). Not sure what would have happened if she hadn't said anything a few months ago. 

So my question: Why do I feel the need to protect myself? To preserve myself? 

Well the answer is that I don't want my heart to get broken, again. I know it will still get broken eventually, but I want it to be fair and far between, and be as minimal as possible. 

In answer to my own question from the FB group: My feelings on becoming a parent have changed. I feel it's time for me to not be as focused on exercising/running and more focused on treatments, and having success. You will definitely see me running/exercising all the way up until I can't exercise anymore per doctors.

What have you done to protect your heart from being broken?
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Email: runningwithinfertilityATgmail.com
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6 comments:

  1. I have been having these discussions lots with people I know lately. We have just decided recently to pursue donor eggs after 6 years of "giving up" after our second miscarriage and diagnosis of a chromosome abnormality. I feel like for the first time in 6 years I WANT to be a mom again. I feel like it was my heart (or God) whatever you believe in, keeping me safe. Now, that I've decided to start trying and open myself up to that again, I find myself reliving feelings from 6 years ago that I didn't even realized I had suppressed.

    On the other note of your friends telling you. This is just something that I have learned (even in my close group of IF friends in which I am the only one left that hasn't had a child) that it's just not about you. That may sting, and it did for me for years, but at some point I had to realize, it's just simply not about me. And that's a great thing. Because their pregnancy does not affect my ability to be pregnant, them telling me before they tell anyone else publicly or telling me they are trying, just simply doesn't make that much of a difference. It still stings a little and I'll deal with that on my own time, but in that moment, I will be happy for them. I remind myself the pain of wanting to be a mother and it not being fulfilled, and I am thankful that my friend, my co-worker, my sister, won't know that pain.

    Hopefully that all makes sense. :) I hope that you can find the peace and focus in other areas in life you are looking for.

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    1. I will definitely think and ponder what you said about it not being about me. Thank you for your words of encouragement. :)

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    2. It comes from a very good place even if it sounds a little blunt. I've been on this journey since 2007 and it honestly just really clicked with me like a year ago. This is such a hard journey that many don't understand, but I truly believe that it's all for a reason. Good luck in your journey and may all of your wishes come true :)

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  2. I don't do a lot to protect myself, which is probably why I spend time feeling sad or hurt. I don't know if it's a matter of not knowing how to protect myself or figure that it is energy spent either before or after the incident.

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    1. It's hard to know how to protect ones self and if we even need to protect ourselves. I think it definitely depends on where we are in our menstrual cycle too, and if we will be sad or hurt (more or less) - because our emotions play so much into our everyday life.

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