Things We Wished We Could Change

Saturday, April 4

It's gonna get real on the blog today. This time I will probably share too much about me, for you. So if you can't handle it, I would suggest you may want to not read this post.

First off, these past 2 weeks have been a little crazy. I always seem to say that, but I am definitely worn out and heartbroken (I'll get to that in a minute).

So at the beginning of March we got an email from one of our nurses from the clinical trial we're in, telling us about an infertility seminar that the clinic was putting on. I ended up going late, and was able to talk to one of the nurses who is helping with the study. I asked her about his semen analysis (SA), because the first 2 were so low and didn't understand why it had jumped up to normal levels. She told me that we probably have the actual medicine and that we should start trying like crazy. She reminded me that we need to try every other day. At that point I was at day 7 in my cycle.

We waited until day 11 to start trying, and I usually ovulate around day 17. I started using ovulation predictor test strips. It got to the point where I was taking pictures, daily, of the strips so I could determine if the line had gotten darker (am I really that weird? why yes! I am that weird).

I started cramping the day after ovulation and I thought "Great! Could this be implantation cramping?" It turns out that implantation doesn't occur until several days after ovulation - that's if the sperm and the egg actually get together. Well I started cramping on and off for several days (5-6 days) after I ovulated. "Aunt Flo" (AF) usually visits me around day 24-25, well the following day (day 26) I started spotting, I knew at that point I wasn't pregnant. Chase was still was trying to have hopes that we would still be pregnant - if we actually were. But after Tuesday we are definitely not pregnant after trying on our own.

With that said: I am heartbroken, I am numb, I don't know how to feel, and I can't cry. I feel all alone! No one knew we were trying this cycle. I felt like the world was silently moving forward while I looked back wondering what happened, feeling alone without a friend to share my pain.

On Tuesday, I kept getting an impression to message a friend and briefly told her what happened. I feel she has been an inspiration to me, and even though I don't know a ton about her (like not even her birthday), she's the one I knew I could trust with my feelings. I will briefly share what she said, because no one could have said it more perfect! She told me that there wasn't anything she could say that could ease my pain (which is totally 100% true!). She reminded me that I needed to rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Something that I have forgotten recently. She also gave me a song to listen to, which I will share because it is just so humbling:

 

Since then I have been praying more, and trying to feel that love that the Savior provides. That's all that I can do now to help get me to feel again. Yes, I am still in pain, but I don't feel so alone, and I felt strong enough that I could share my story, because I can't be silent about my pain anymore!
With all that said we still have another SA coming up and are hoping to see if the levels are still normal. Even though his levels showed normal and we tried one month, the average fertile couple still only has a 22% chance of getting pregnant each month. That means we could still have a chance at getting pregnant within the next 4 months.

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Email: runningwithinfertilityATgmail.com
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