Things that are Tuesdays with Morrie

Wednesday, January 28

At my job, I'm on my feet all day. I'm busy doing somewhat mindless work (pulling and checking orders going to customers). With that "mindless work," I can listen to music and what I really love doing is listening to audiobooks. I get to listen to awesome books... I've listened to The Flavia De Luce Series, The Fablehaven Series, The Lorien Legacies, and tons more!

One that I especially enjoyed was "Tuesday's with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. I heard about Mitch Albom back when I was in high school. My English teacher had gotten married and then 2 weeks after getting married her husband died in a car crash. We ended up reading "The five people you meet in Heaven" in class the semester after Christmas. It was a really good book. 

Tuesday's with Morrie has been on my "To-Read" for a while now. I finally read it (as in listened to it at work) and it was such a good book- as in it almost (If I wasn't at work) made me cry! I kept thinking what he was saying about dying and how it can be related to infertility. Plus Morrie had so much good to say. I'm going to touch on a few things that he talked about in the book and how it relates to infertility to me.

We deserve love

In the book:
-He talks about giving love and letting love come into our lives.
-He talks about how we think that we don't deserve love.
-Levine said "Love is the rational act".

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I know I sometimes feel that I don't deserve love, especially when I'm down. I feel that I don't deserve love from Heavenly Father, from Chase, from my parents, and from my friends. I don't necessarily think it's because "I'll become too soft," I'm a woman - how soft could I get? I think it has to do with Satan trying to get me more and more discouraged (cause let's be honest - he likes to do that). I think we need to be able to deserve love, and to be able to give our love freely. Loving ourselves when we are battling such a horrible disease definitely needs to be #1 on our list.

We don't need to feel sorry for ourselves

In the book:
-Not allowing any more self pity than a few minutes each morning for tears.

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I definitely feel sorry for myself every now and then, especially with infertility. I like what Morrie said, a little each morning, a few tears, and that's all. We don't need any more than that! We don't need to be in a funk all the time. Life's too short to be down and gloomy all the time worrying about your problems, and dwelling on them. Feel sorry that we are battling this for a few minutes, then move on with our day.

We don't need to regret

In the book:
-Culture encourages us not to regret until we're about ready to die.
-We're too involved (family, career, paying the bills, not having enough money, etc.) just to keep moving forward.
-We need to stand back and look at our lives and ask "Is this all? Is this all I want? Is something missing?"

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Why do we even need to regret. I understand if it is something you may have said to someone and hurt their feelings, and later regret ever saying anything to them. I definitely regret not trying to get pregnant sooner, or even trying to get an IVF treatment. Things happen for a reason and Chase and I felt like the time wasn't right for us. So I shouldn't regret decisions that we have made, because we knew what decisions we were making. 

We need a family foundation

In the book:
-Family is our foundation.
-We need love and support and caring concern that we get from our family.
-Love is important.
-There is no substitute for having children.
-you learn how to love and bond with children.

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Isn't that what we're after is to have a family of our own? I can agree with him that there is not substitute for having children. Yes we love our dogs, but they cannot substitute for that deep bond between parent and child. If Chase and I didn't have that family support I don't know how we could make it through this without them. 

We need to detach from our emotions

In the book:
-Let emotions penetrate us fully - then we can detach from them.
-Detachment allows you to pull yourself from an emotion.
-Throw yourself into the emotion - immerse yourself in the emotion, accepting it fully, then you know what the emotion truly is.

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I think that this is the best way of dealing with any emotion. I tried it the other day and it definitely was a lot different then how I normally handle things. I think that is the best advice anyone can give when you are going through a hard time that is associated with grief or sadness. We need that detachment so that way the emotion doesn't consume us all the time. 

We need to give up the desire to want more

In the book:
-Owning things is good, more and more is good.
-You can't figure out what is truly important anymore.
-People think that owning things will be a good substitute for love. 
-Cannot substitute things for love because the things don't love back and they aren't gentle or tender.
-Giving is what makes Morrie feel alive.
-Serving others (talking to people, smiling at someone, doing kind things from the heart).
-Serving others won't make you envious or jealous of someone else.

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I always feel like people think that because we have a good house, because we have a good car, because we have stuff that we should be happy and grateful for what we have. We do and are grateful for what we have, but it is NOT a substitution for the love and desire we have to want to have our own children.

Marriage is Important

In the book:
-It's important to find a loving relationship with someone.
-You get tested in marriage; you find out who you are and who the other person is, and how you'll deal with the trials you encounter.
-In marriage you need to respect the other person, compromise, talk openly with each other, and have common values; if you don't then you'll run into trouble. 
-Need to believe in the importance of your marriage.

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Being married and going through infertility is hard. I would assume that it's probably as hard as going through cancer treatments and being married, but I don't know for sure because I don't have cancer. I think Chase and I have been tested more going through this trial than any other. I know there are lots of people who are tested through this trial, and you either grow closer as a couple or fall away from each other. I haven't heard of very many cases where the couple gets divorced, but I know it happens. Its sad. I recently learned that had I married a guy named John my trials in life would be different. John and I would have gotten upset at different things. Things would be different, but since I married Chase, this is our trial. We get upset at things and we'll probably go through life upset at the same things. But I do like what Morrie said, you need to respect the other person, you need to compromise, you need to talk openly about what goes on between you, and you need to have common values. 

We Need Forgiveness

In the book:
-Forgive yourself and then forgive others.
-Shouldn't get caught up on stuff that you wished would have happened.
-Forgive ourselves.

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 I had a friend one time tell me that forgiveness isn't just a one time event. Its constantly reminding yourself each day to forgive that person who has wronged you. I totally believe that. I took it upon myself to try to do that with people I need to forgive. It has helped me to not be so bitter and angry at the person, and it's always a good reminder that I need to forgive them.

The hardest part for me is trying to forgive myself. There are LOTS of things I wish I would have done differently in life. Maybe we would've tried treatment sooner, maybe we wouldn't have done those 3 IUI's after the first one failed. I think part of my problem is that I was ignorant, I didn't know fully on what was going on with us, and that's my own problem on why I didn't research or why we didn't even go to an RE for the first 4 years of trying.

There is Love After Death

In the book:
-Death is a natural part of life.
-Morrie said it best: "As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on-in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here."-The Thirteenth Tuesday we talk about the perfect day 

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As I was reading the part of the book on dying. I kept wondering if this is how women who have miscarried feel? Yes, death is a part of life, but for that baby's it was short lived. But I like what he said at the very end. All the love you created is still there, they are still in your memories, and because of love, they will always be in your memory.

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All of the stuff he talked about and quotes I used came from the 1997 copyright of Tuesdays With Morrie
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What are some books that have really touched you?
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